Coffee

Growing up, I can probably count on two hands the number of times I actually drank coffee. 100% of these cases involved me being on a long road trip to/from Seattle, Missoula, and/or Colorado. It was basically my "in case of emergency, break glass" drink when I needed a kick in the ass so I'd stop dozing off at the wheel. I hated the idea of breaking down and getting coffee to stay awake, but when I did, it was always necessary. Why did I hate it? I'm not really sure. I think it goes back to when I was a kid and found out caffeine stunted your growth. Even though I never drank it to begin with, I wanted to be bigger and taller than everyone else, and didn't want anything handicapping my vertical ascension. Well, mission accomplished. With a few exceptions, all of you can suck it.

Even after my growth stopped, I never took up drinking coffee even when I probably should have. Like 8 a.m. classes, for example, or any activity before noon. But it's hard to do something you've been actively loathing for close to two decades at the drop of a hat. There needs to be some kind of catalyst to kick-start that habit. Which is where the working world comes into play. I wake up around 6:30 - 6:45 a.m. five days out of the week now, no exceptions. And when I do arrive at work, they expect me to actually be productive and not drool on myself as I fall in and out of sleep. With my well documented sleep issues, this drooling tends to happen every day of the year except those four days (at most) where I actually wake up feeling rested and refreshed. Especially since I'm new, I really need to be alert and learn what's happening around me if I want to keep this pretty swell gig.

So, enter coffee. For a few weeks in the beginning, I was able to hold out. My mental fortitude was strong, and the occasional energy drink or 5 - 10 minute break/walk would usually do the trick. But as I found myself more sluggish and sluggish, I really needed a quick pick-me-up. And the coffee pot is in the space right next to mine, sitting all warm and ready to be consumed, with plenty of creamer and a large vat of sugar right next to it. I really had no choice but to break down by the time I got back from training. Now, instead of hating the substance, I can tolerate it, with enough sugar to push me that much closer to diabetes. On the bright side, it makes me more active and alert with my work, and time seems to go faster than if I'm jabbing myself with pointy objects to stay awake. It's pretty much a win-win for everyone. On the other hand, it kind of feels like succumbing to some evil, ominous force. Coffee has been the nectar of worker bees for centuries now, functioning as a token of one's status as a contributing member of society. While everyone else I knew started drinking it by the gallon, I abstained; it was a part of who I was. I could always become the exotic tea guy, but it's just not the same. I have been assimilated, drugged and wandering further and further into the hive of productivity.